When I read about the church of the New Testament, I often think, “Wow, that must have been amazing!” Believers selling their possessions to help one another. Sharing meals in each other’s homes. Studying the Scriptures together. Serving the poor. A community marked by generosity, unity, and love. But even in the New Testament, we see that when church hurts, disagreements can strain the way believers love one another.
Paul’s letters are full of instructions to hurting church members. In Philippians 4:2-3, he even calls out two women by name — Euodia and Syntyche — urging them to resolve their differences. And these weren’t outsiders causing trouble. Paul describes them as women who “shared my struggle in the cause of the gospel… whose names are in the book of life.”
In other words, they were faithful believers… and still, something between them was so significant it reached Paul’s ears all the way in Rome.
Church Hurt Is Not New
If you’ve been part of a church for any length of time, you’ve probably experienced it — church hurt. Sometimes it’s a small sting, other times it cuts deep. And sadly, many people walk away from the church, and sometimes even from the faith, because of gossip, betrayal, and disappointment within the church.
Why? Because the church’s biggest asset is also its greatest challenge — it’s made up of people. And we humans are incredibly skilled at making a mess of God’s good gifts… including His church.
Having been part of many churches over the years, I’ve learned that hurt can happen anywhere, even in great churches. At times, it’s a passing disappointment from an unthinking comment; at others, it’s the heavier weight of gossip, betrayal, or broken trust among fellow believers.
When Church Hurts — And the Danger of Holding On
Your pain is real. I won’t dismiss it. I’ve felt it, too. But I also know this: holding on to hurt can quietly harden our hearts. The Bible calls us to forgive — and often that means forgiving people who don’t even realize they’ve hurt us. On top of that, our perspective is often shaped by our past, and that lens isn’t always perfectly clear.
The Little Things — Unintentional Offense
Let’s start with the small hurts.
What happens when someone makes a thoughtless comment? How do you respond, both outwardly and inside your heart? What emotions stir up?
Over my many years in the church, I’ve surely said some things I regret — comments I didn’t think through, words that landed harder than I intended. Maybe someone is reading this now and remembers something I said years ago that left a scar. If so, I’m truly sorry. It was not intentional. Maybe it was insensitive. Maybe it was ignorant. But it wasn’t meant to wound.
I think much of what we call “church hurt” falls into this category — unintended offense. These moments still hurt, but they invite us to extend grace, remembering that we’ve all been the unthinking offender at some point.
The Big Things — Deep Wounds
Then there are the big hurts.
The gossip in the church that spreads behind your back.
The church betrayal from someone you trusted.
The leadership decisions that leave you feeling discarded or devalued.
These wounds are harder to bear. They take longer to heal. And they push us to forgive on a whole new level. In moments like this, I’ve had to cling to the reminder in Galatians 1:10 and Ephesians 6:7 — that ultimately, I serve God, not man.
Because if my faith was built on people, it would have crumbled long ago.
Healing from Church Hurt
If you’re carrying church hurt right now, here are a few steps that have helped me:
1. Acknowledge the hurt. Name it before God. Be honest in prayer. We can completely open up before God for several reasons:
- He already knows. (Psalm 139:2 — “You know my thoughts even when I am far away.”)
- There is no human emotion too strong for Him to handle (just look at the intense emotions expressed throughout the Psalms).
- Naming your emotions is a healthy step and it helps you release them.
2. Choose forgiveness. Not because they deserve it, but because you need it to heal. Forgiveness sets you free. This is simple to say but more difficult to walk out. Scripture tells us clearly to forgive one another, yet emotionally, it can feel impossible. God’s grace makes it possible. (Philippians 4:13)
3. Guard your heart. Don’t let bitterness become the lens you see through. You have power here — by controlling your thoughts, you can preserve an internal state of peace that reflects forgiveness rather than resentment. For more on this, see my blog post Train Your Mind & Guard Your Thoughts.
4. Stay connected. Don’t let pain push you into isolation from God’s people. Seek healthy community. The church isn’t perfect, but it’s still God’s design for our growth. Hebrews 10:25 reminds us not to neglect gathering together — and trust that God will be glorified despite our imperfect church communities.
There Is Hope After Church Hurt
When church hurts, it can shake our trust in people — but it doesn’t have to shake our trust in God. God is still building His church — and He’s still using imperfect people to do it.
Euodia and Syntyche’s disagreement didn’t erase the fact that their names were in the book of life. They were on the same team. So are we.
My prayer is that, even when we are hurt, we would keep choosing grace. Keep forgiving. Keep showing up. Because the church — for all its flaws — is still the place where God works through His people to show His love to the world.
“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”
~ Ephesians 4:32
Recommended Resources for Healing and Forgiveness
If you’d like to go deeper in learning how to forgive and guard against offense, here are two excellent books I highly recommend.
I’ll be honest — both are challenging. They press hard on our self-centered, justified, offended, and unforgiving tendencies. But they’ve also been some of the most life-changing resources I’ve encountered on my own journey of healing from church hurt.
- The Bait of Satan by John Bevere — A powerful look at how offense can trap us and keep us from walking in freedom.
- Unoffendable by Brant Hansen — A refreshing (and sometimes uncomfortable) call to lay down our “right” to be offended and embrace grace instead.
Both are available on Amazon, Audible, and most e-reader platforms. Choose the format that works best for you — and take a step toward freedom. ❤️
Love you!
❤️