I feel like I could write books about forgiveness—and about finding freedom in forgiveness—not because I am any expert, but because I have had to do it over and over again. I will say this— the more I practice forgiveness, the easier it becomes and the quicker it happens.
Everybody knows that forgiveness is important for inner peace, mental health, and even physical health. It’s well documented that forgiveness benefits our spirit, mind, body, and soul.
So okay—we know it’s beneficial. But how do you actually start learning to forgive?
I Cannot
I am a committed follower of Jesus Christ, and this greatly impacts my perspective on forgiveness.
Unlike mainstream psychology that often offers simple, tidy steps toward forgiveness, I will tell you this plainly: forgiveness is hard. So hard that I absolutely cannot do it on my own. At all.
At the same time, God is very clear in His directive that we are to forgive one another. Colossians 3:13 says:
“…forgiving one another if anyone has a grievance against another. Just as the Lord has forgiven you, so you are also to forgive.”
So now I have a problem.
Something God commands is also something I simply cannot do.
And that, my friends, is the first key to forgiveness—recognizing that I cannot do this in my own strength.
Breakthrough & Remembrance
My biggest breakthrough with forgiveness came after a great violation—at least from my perspective. (It’s always about my perspective, right??? LOL.)
At the time, I was listening to a lot of Christian teachings—on audio tapes (yes, really). I remember a specific message from Joyce Meyer. This isn’t verbatim, but it went something like this: just because you don’t feel like you forgave someone doesn’t mean you didn’t. And sometimes, you have to remind yourself that you already did.
So I decided to forgive Person for the Great Violation.
Lo and behold, the very next day Person shows up—and anger rises up in my spirit. Hours later, long after Person is gone, I’m still angry and agitated. Naturally, I conclude that I must not have actually forgiven them, because surely I wouldn’t feel this way if I had. 🤔
But then I remembered Joyce’s message.
Still raging, I said out loud:
“Lord, I forgive Person. I decided yesterday to forgive Person, and I no longer hold the Great Violation against them. Please help me to forgive. I trust that You are working forgiveness in my heart, and I choose to walk in forgiveness even when my emotions do not agree.”
I laugh about it now, but I was so stinking mad. Picture those little red-faced cartoon characters with steam coming out of their ears—that was me.
What I learned was this: my emotions heal much later.
And just because my emotions are still raw about an event does not mean forgiveness didn’t occur.
Read that again.
Just because your emotions are still raw does not mean forgiveness did not occur.
The Choice Is Yours
Here’s the second key: forgiveness is a choice.
This understanding completely changed how I approach forgiveness and became a turning point in finding freedom in forgiveness, even when my emotions resist.
Your emotions may or may not line up—and that’s okay.
If you’re navigating a particularly difficult season, you may also find it helpful to read Emotional Resilience: 5 Practical Strategies for Tough Days, which offers gentle, practical ways to steady your heart when emotions feel overwhelming.
You’ve probably heard the phrase “love is not a feeling, it’s an action.” This comes from the same principle. Love and forgiveness are often defined by emotional response rather than by a deliberate choice to act in a certain way.
Ask any married person, and they’ll quickly tell you there are times they don’t feel love toward their spouse. Yet because they choose love, they behave in loving ways anyway.
Forgiveness works the same way.
It’s a decision about how you will interact, respond, and think about another person or situation. It’s a choice to release negative thoughts, even when feelings resist.
Finding Freedom in Forgiveness
To be honest, forgiveness isn’t easy.
It requires continually denying yourself the opportunity to replay the offense and relive the experience. Often, my mind and flesh would rather stew in it. But God calls me to forgive.
As I learned to practice forgiveness—quieting the whiny selfishness in my heart—I found a lightness and freedom in my spirit.
The pain didn’t instantly disappear.
But the rage did.
And once the rage was gone, God was able to heal my pain.
Over the years, I’ve had countless opportunities to practice forgiveness, and I still get it wrong some days. It is completely unnatural for me. But through God’s grace, I can release each offense and allow Him to heal my emotions over time.
Unforgiveness is a heavy burden—one we were never created to carry.
Today, think about who you may need to forgive. It’s probably the person you’re trying not to think about right now.
Forgiveness is worth it.
The Hard Truth
Forgiveness can feel like letting someone off the hook for bad behavior. When someone hurts us, we experience it as an offense—regardless of whether others would see it the same way.
Sometimes forgiveness feels like saying, “What they did didn’t matter.” But that’s not what forgiveness is.
For me, forgiveness requires recognizing that my perspective is limited—focused almost entirely on me. I have to take that narrow view and willingly consider that there may be more to the story than what I see.
Why don’t we forgive?
Often, it’s because we think forgiveness means the other person doesn’t have to pay for what they did.
But when I really examine my resistance to forgiveness, I usually find something uncomfortable—it’s about me.
I’m hurt. I’ve been offended. And deep down, I want the other person to know it. I want them to feel bad. I want to be acknowledged, validated, and justified.
That realization is humbling.
When you replay that situation in your mind and feel anger rise up, it’s often because you want recognition—that you mattered, that what they did hurt, and that you deserved better.
And here’s the hard truth: forgiveness sometimes requires letting go of the need to be justified.
When I release that need—when my sense of worth no longer depends on how others treat me—I experience real freedom.
Perspective Shift
Interestingly, finding freedom in forgiveness isn’t really about the offender.
It’s about you.
It’s about freedom in your spirit and soul.
Recap: Steps Toward Forgiveness
1. Admit you can’t do this on your own.
You need God’s help. Try a simple prayer like this:
“God, You know how ______ has hurt me. I feel violated and angry. I choose today to forgive ______ for ___________. Please help me walk in forgiveness, especially when my emotions rise up.”
2. Remember forgiveness is a choice, not a feeling.
When emotions resurface, remind yourself that you already chose forgiveness—and repeat the prayer if needed. I often say it out loud. It helps more than you might think.
3. Understand that forgiveness doesn’t always mean reconciliation.
Trust the Holy Spirit to guide you. Forgiveness and restored relationship are not always the same thing.
A Moment to Reflect
Is there someone you’ve been trying not to think about while reading this?
You don’t have to feel ready. You don’t have to feel peaceful.
But you can begin by choosing forgiveness—even if your emotions lag behind.
What would it look like to release the need to be justified and trust God with the healing instead?
Forgiveness is rarely a one-time moment. More often, it’s a daily decision made in weakness, trust, and dependence on God.
If this feels unfinished, that’s okay. God isn’t asking for perfection—only willingness. As you continue to choose forgiveness, He will continue to bring healing, clarity, and peace.
The freedom you’re seeking is closer than you think.